The importance of looking outward

I was preoccupied with my own problems and concerns the other day when I went in for a medical appointment. Then a staffer whom I’d never met before shattered my self-absorption, by sharing troubles of her own.

This woman had checked my blood pressure and consulted my records on a computer screen when we got to talking about her 87-year-old mother, who still lives at home but suffers from dementia.

The woman explained how she and her sister are caring for their mom, with some paid help; how they want to keep her in her home as long as possible; and how that is becoming increasingly difficult as she continues to deteriorate, both mentally and physically. Putting her to bed at night isn’t all that hard, the woman said, but getting her up in the morning is becoming more and more of an ordeal.

The woman explained how she finds herself wondering how much longer her mother will survive in this condition, and how much worse she will get before she dies. She said her mother now fabricates — and believes — stories that the woman and her sister know to be untrue.

I could see the anguish in this woman’s face, which I recognized from having lived through my own mother’s deterioration in the years and months that preceded her death five years ago. I guessed, from my own experience, that this woman dreaded losing her mother, but at the same time she was dismayed to see her mother suffer as her quality of life slipped away.

If I had passed this woman on a sidewalk before I met her, or found myself behind her in a supermarket line, I never would have stopped to ask myself what burdens she was carrying, what her life was like, what troubles kept her up at night. She simply would have been another middle-aged stranger who didn’t merit a second thought.

It’s a cliché to say that we all have our crosses to bear, but that doesn’t make it any less true. Perhaps there would be less conflict in our lives, less anger and hostility and impatience, if we spent a bit less time gazing inward, and a bit more time wondering about the heavy weights that saddle the strangers in our midst.